Thursday, September 15, 2011

Whisperings of my Heart

So here I am sitting on my laptop, my husband is reading and Devyn is spending the night at Aunty Sala's house. She goes to school with my sisters kids because our work schedules don't permit us to drop her off and pick her up from school. In these quiet moments, I can sit and ponder the whisperings of my heart and the people that occupy it.

"God, I know you can hear me up there, please slow the time down. I'm kind of a wreck with Devyn not spending the night at home. I feel like a terrible mother and a little aggravated that my job has enslaved me. I'm missing my babygirl tonight. I'm not sure if or when it'll ever end, but Devyn still sleeps with Uela and I. I know I should be annoyed having her on our bed still, but it's the best part of my day. The second her soft, sweet little head snuggles perfectly under my neck, there is no wrong in all the world. Oh, please let her be my baby always! If you can't slow time, will you atleast help me remember these small moments that have filled my heart with more joy and magic and love than I ever could have imagined?"

I began blogging in 2008 because I didn't want to forget. The sound of my child playing and laughing and singing in her perfect little girl voice is the soundtrack of my days. Those sounds will someday fade and later it will just be me and my sweet husband. As much as I know I will love that day, I am determined to remember the ones in between. 


Monday, September 12, 2011

Finding myself, Despite myself

WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I? I've been asking myself this question lately.

In the busy-ness of the everyday--being a mother, wife, daughter, sister and employee--I sometimes feel scattered all over the place by the habit of multi-tasking and the ‘need’ to be in at least two places at once.

Sort of being everywhere. And yet nowhere.

And somewhere along the way, I un-learned how to simply be. Right where I am… (So maybe, in a way, I've lost touch with myself).

Instead, I've been sort of projecting my mind or my thoughts out into other spaces – to my workplace, to my hopes, to my obligations and responsibilities, to my worries.

My wish is to simply let all of that stuff fall away. Let my thoughts and wishes and distractions and concerns go for a moment or two. Set them down and just experience who I am. Where I am. As I am...

So that I might find out what this actually means for me. Find out what my body is noticing. Find out what my heart is saying. Find what this moment, this particular time in my life, really feels like. Or find a space to breathe amid the multi-tasking.

And maybe even find myself in the process.

Yes the beach is where I want to be :)